Rachelli loves making plans. She likes knowing what she’s doing next week, next month, and sometimes even next year. Her husband, meanwhile, is perfectly happy deciding things as they happen. If she asks what they should do on Sunday, his answer is often, “We’ll see.”
At first, she found his relaxed attitude refreshing. He helped her loosen up and not take everything so seriously. But after they got married, those same differences sometimes became frustrating. She wished he planned more. He wished she worried less. More than once, they both wondered, “How can two people who are so different make this work?”
The truth is, what Rachelli and her husband are experiencing is actually very common.
Many people marry someone who is quite different from them and perhaps that’s not by accident.
Very often, we are attracted to qualities that we ourselves don’t naturally have. The organised person may admire the spontaneous one. The spontaneous person may appreciate the stability and order of someone more structured. The social butterfly may be drawn to the calm homebody, while the homebody enjoys the energy and enthusiasm of someone more outgoing.
At first, these differences can feel exciting. Later, they can become frustrating.
The husband who helps create order in the home may also be the husband who loves routine and dislikes last-minute changes. The wife who brings spontaneity and fun into the marriage may also struggle with planning ahead. The very quality that attracts us can sometimes become the quality that challenges us.
Every strength comes with a price tag
The quality we admire often has another side to it. We don’t get the organised person without some love of routine. We don’t get the spontaneous person without some dislike of planning. When we understand this, we stop trying to keep the strengths while removing everything that comes with them.
Interestingly, couples who are very similar may share many of the same strengths, but they may also share some of the same weaknesses. A marriage between two different people can bring a wider range of strengths into the home. One notices things the other misses. One contributes qualities that the other lacks.
Of course, differences can create challenges. You won’t always agree on how to spend a day off, what makes a good holiday, or how things should be done. One person may enjoy travelling and trying new things, while the other would happily stay home. One may love hosting guests while the other prefers quiet evenings. That’s normal.
Different doesn’t mean wrong
The goal isn’t for one person to convince the other that their way is right.
The goal is for both people to listen respectfully, understand each other’s point of view, and look for solutions that work for both. Sometimes that means compromising. Sometimes it means taking turns. And sometimes it simply means accepting that different doesn’t mean wrong.
Focus on what you share
I would also encourage couples to focus on what they do have in common. There are often far more shared values, goals, and priorities than they realise. Those things usually matter much more than whether one person likes restaurants and the other prefers staying home.
In many ways, learning to appreciate differences in marriage also helps prepare us for parenthood. Our children won’t all think like us either. They don’t come as little copies of ourselves. They will have different personalities, different strengths, and different ways of seeing the world.
Marriage gives us years of practice in learning how to appreciate, understand and adapt to someone who is different from us. The patience and understanding we develop with a spouse become some of the greatest gifts we can later give our children.
Couples do not necessarily become more alike over the years. Often, something better happens. They become better at understanding each other, appreciating each other’s strengths, and adapting to each other’s differences.
When we stop seeing differences as flaws and start seeing them as contributions, life becomes richer.
You do not need to become more alike. You simply need to become better at understanding and appreciating one another.
