Hi,
I got married a few months ago and bh everything is great! I’m the oldest, so I felt really prepared going into all the technical parts of running a home. I cooked and cleaned before I got married and did laundry sometimes too.
But I’m just finding everything so overwhelming. I feel like my day consists of working, shopping for supper, making supper, cleaning up, doing laundry, hanging it up, cleaning the bathroom and then waiting for the next load! It feels like I’m on a hamster wheel that never stops.
How do I learn to manage all of this? Is this what life is about, or am I gonna be stuck in this cycle forever?
Hi!
Firstly, Mazel Tov! Secondly, newly married me is feeling extremely validated right now.
Because it’s a lot. Even if you’re not new to cooking or cleaning, running a home, even a tiny apartment, can be overwhelming.
So many newly married girls, and even those who have been married a while, feel the same. It’s overwhelming, and it can feel like you’re stuck in a never-ending cooking, cleaning and washing cycle. You run, run, run, eventually crash out in some way or another, and then just start all over again.
So yes, what you’re feeling is normal! But no, it won’t last forever.
My first tip is to find a system for yourself. I discovered that spending Sunday and Monday doing my laundry, putting on loads, switching them to the dryer and folding, meant I could breathe for the rest of the week. If I realised on Thursday that I needed something washed for Shabbos, I could still throw in a quick load without trying to time everything around a trip to the shops and switching the load to the dryer.
So this might work for you! Or it might make more sense not to set a rule that says, ‘I do laundry on this day only.’ Instead, check your drawers and cupboards every morning or two to see if you’re missing anything, then put a wash on. It’s a simple check-in: do laundry when it works for you and when it’s needed. It’s a load here and a load there, so you’re never rushing to put one load straight after another.
My second tip is to make to-do lists! These used to scare me, and now they’re my best friends. I feel like when it’s all in your head, it becomes overwhelming. Once it’s written down, it can feel like you’ve already started the task, and that makes it a million times easier to finish. Something I also love doing now is writing down how long each thing will take, because often the thought is more overwhelming than actually doing it. If you think, ‘I need to clean the bathroom,’ you might start stressing. But if you know, ‘Oh, it’s only going to take 10 minutes,’ it feels manageable.
Thirdly, don’t try and do it all. Remember, you’re new to marriage, and you’re juggling a lot. It’s okay if you leave your dishes in the sink and do them the next day instead of straight after supper. Can your husband buy things for supper on his way back from kollel or work? Can you make double the amount of schnitzel one week and freeze some of it, already breaded, for next week, to cut down on work and mess? Can you use cleaning wipes for a quick clean during the week, so things don’t build up and need a major (and overwhelming) clean on a short Friday? It’s all about giving yourself time to figure out systems and hacks that work for you. Until then, you don’t need to have it all perfected.
Lastly, sister to sister, it’s going to take time. You’re not a terrible wife or house manager because you get stressed by everything you have to do. It is a lot! Especially when you’re adjusting to married life, doing things in a new environment, working, and juggling whatever else you may have on your plate. And guess what? Everyone feels the same at the beginning. It feels overwhelming because it is.
But you know how it can seem that your mother, friend or cousin has it all together? It’s only because they’ve been doing it for a while. Over time, you settle into a routine, the big things become habits, and you can tidy up after supper in two minutes as well. Don’t feel down because you haven’t perfected the art of being a balabusta so early into the job. Take it easy on yourself. You’ll start noticing that you’re handling things that completely threw you at the beginning. And trust me, people married for 50 years also have days when they feel like they aren’t coping.
You can do this. You are already doing an amazing job. Keep going, and give yourself a pat on the back.
Love,
Your Big Sister
