Hi Big Sister,

Growing up, I always imagined that husbands come home every Friday with flowers, randomly surprise their wives with little gifts, or do thoughtful things just because.

Now that I’m married, I’m realizing that my husband never really does those things unless I specifically ask. If I mention that I’d like something, he’ll happily buy it. But it never seems to occur to him on his own.

I know he loves me, but I can’t help feeling disappointed. Why doesn’t he think of these things himself? Am I expecting too much, or am I missing something?

Any advice?

Dear Reader,

I don’t think you are expecting too much. If you grew up seeing husbands bring flowers, little gifts, or thoughtful surprises, it makes sense that this became part of your picture of marriage.

But I think you may be missing something important.

Many of us assume that the things that are obvious to us should also be obvious to someone else. We think, “If I would think of doing this, why doesn’t he?”

The answer is often very simple: because he is not you.

People notice different things. They think differently. They come from different homes and backgrounds. What feels natural and automatic to one person may never even cross another person’s mind.

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. In fact, if whenever you ask for something he is happy to get it for you, that tells me something important. The issue probably isn’t willingness. It’s awareness.

In fact, a husband who happily responds when asked is very different from one who refuses. One may simply need to be told. The other is unwilling. From what you describe, your husband sounds willing.

Try looking for the things that he does do naturally. Often, the things a person does without being asked are the things that feel meaningful to them. One husband brings flowers. Another makes sure the milk and yoghurts never run out in the fridge. Another fixes things in the house. Another works extra hours so his family can have what they need. Each person shows that they care in their own way.

At the same time, don’t expect your husband to read your mind. Marriage works much better when we explain our needs clearly and kindly.

You can simply tell him, “It makes me feel happy and thought of when you bring home flowers or a small surprise once in a while.”

You may discover that he is very willing to do it. He just never realized how much it meant to you.

Sometimes what we are disappointed about is not what our husband is doing today, but the picture we carried for years of how marriage would look. When reality doesn’t match that picture, it can feel disappointing even when nothing is actually wrong.

And one final thought: sometimes a large part of shalom bayis comes from accepting that the person we married is not a different version of ourselves. He has his strengths, his blind spots, his way of thinking, and his way of showing that he cares. The more we understand that, the less disappointed we become and the more we are able to appreciate what we already have.